


do you believe in something beautiful?

by sweetbun_trio



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Character Study, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Other, Raphael Kirsten is a Good Bro, Spoilers for Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:13:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbun_trio/pseuds/sweetbun_trio
Summary: For so much of Lorenz’ life, he had been deprived of choices. His father insisted that he would be the next Alliance leader. His mother insisted that he be the perfect gentleman, a blend of elegance and power befitting a noble. Like a red rose.His face stared back at him from his desk mirror, severe and sharp.
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester & Raphael Kirsten
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	do you believe in something beautiful?

**Author's Note:**

> cw/tw: disordered eating, mental illness, intrusive thoughts, self-harm, vomiting
> 
> The title is from the Ted Leo + Pharmacists song “Me and Mia”
> 
> For the prompt: 
> 
> A few instances in the game have characters make comments about Lorenz's build and eating habits. I want to see that explored as some kind of disordered eating. A simple character study would be great, but whump's super appreciated, too.
> 
> No pairings necessary, but I'd like Raphael to be involved in some way.

“One, two, three,” Lorenz said to himself as he counted out the Albinean berries he had allotted for himself today. He sipped on his tea and instantly felt a little buoyed by its stimulant effect. 

He was going to be good today. He would only eat good foods. 

Lorenz placed one berry between his teeth, and bit down, savoring the tart snap and explosion of flavor. He had to savor it, because this was all he could eat until dinner.

He finished up his bergamot and took the time to carefully clean and set out his tea set. After all, it would not do for a noble to neglect his personal effects. Placing the tea set alongside his many others, he studied the angle of the sunbeams through his dormitory windows. It was almost time to get to today’s seminar. 

The Golden Deer had all returned as promised five years prior. The world was in chaos. Lorenz felt as if everything and everyone around him was unwieldy, messy, out of control. He hated it. He must keep himself in check, at least, even if it was the smallest of goals. He must focus on what he had power over.

For so much of Lorenz’ life, he had been deprived of choices. His father insisted that he would be the next Alliance leader. His mother insisted that he be the perfect gentleman, a blend of elegance and power befitting a noble. Like a red rose. 

His face stared back at him from his desk mirror, severe and sharp. 

Later that week, Lorenz found himself dragged along to dinner with the Professor, and Hilda. It was Saturday, and the Golden Deer had just spent the afternoon clearing rubble from the monastery. His arms trembled like jelly and his back was aching from lifting rocks. It had been a good workout, but he much preferred riding or sparring to keep his figure.

Hilda had barely helped, even though she was one of the strongest out of all of them. She prattled on as ever, though. “Nothing like a tasty meal after some grueling work. Lorenz, you’ve hardly eaten anything.”

“There is no need to rush,” he responded, crossing his arms and turning slightly from his plate, “I prefer to take my time.” He sliced his beast meat into miniscule pieces, carefully pushing them around on his plate before taking birdlike bites. 

The Professor just stared. It unnerved him. He could never be sure that she didn’t see through him with those seldom-blinking eyes.

Lorenz avoided eye contact with her. He waited it out until it would no longer be rude to take his leave, and discarded half his meal. 

Feeling a headache coming on, Lorenz retreated to his quarters. Maybe he had caught a chill. Going with the rest of his comrades straight from chores, still sweaty, had been a bad idea. He shivered as he walked, although the weather had turned warm and pleasant for the first time that spring. 

He was always cold these days, it seemed. He could feel the cold and damp in his bones.

In his room, he brewed camomile. It certainly wasn’t his favorite, but it did help him to drop off to sleep, rather than lying in his bed for hours with a headache and an aching belly. It was good. He was good. 

Some weeks of fighting later, Lorenz felt almost euphoric. They had defeated the Imperials at the Great Bridge of Myrddin, as well as that blowhard Acheron. Everyone’s spirits were lifted, and he felt on top of the world. His head felt light, even dizzy, sometimes, but he was keeping himself in check and in control. 

Lorenz sat down at the table and reached for his utensils. His fingers and hands were long and slim, he was happy to see. 

“This is delicious! My absolute favorite!” Raphael’s voice thundered over the table. Lorenz wondered, seriously, if there was any food that wasn’t Raphael’s favorite. 

He brought a tiny fork full of Gautier Cheese Gratin to his mouth, bypassing his lips and biting down slightly on the fork. The metal scraped against his teeth as he pulled it out. This dish was not to his taste. It was far too heavy and filling, even if Gautier cheese was supposedly renowned for its low fat content.

“Smaller bites will make you look more refined, while at the same time helping you feel full and content,” Lorenz intoned, thinking of his mother’s evergreen advice. 

Raphael gazed at him, a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and worry in his sunny eyes. Lorenz remembered something Raphael had said to him years ago during their academy days about how much you can learn about another person when you share a meal with them, and suddenly felt foolish and exposed. 

Raphael had certainly been observant back then. He was not and would never be an eloquent man, but there was no reason to think he’d become any less observant in the intervening years.

Lorenz excused himself, feigning illness. He hated the way he could feel Raphael’s eyes on him all the way to the door. 

The longer he went, meting out his slim portions, caffeinating himself to get through the day, calming himself with soothing herbs and teas each night, the more right it felt. He couldn’t give up now. He would show everyone. He wouldn’t let the pressure break him.

Until he broke.

The plan had worked. Lorenz could scarcely believe Claude’s scheme to take Fort Merceus had worked. They barely escaped the mysterious attack that came after the battle with their lives, but here they were.

Everything looked a little sharper, a little brighter, after such a harrowing experience. 

A celebration was planned before their final push on Enbarr. Every kind of dish the cooks could manage in wartime, from all corners of Fodlan, was prepared. 

A war raged within Lorenz as he stood in line for food, because they made one of his favorites: Two-Fish Saute. A lavish meal of fish sauteed in lots of butter. 

He really shouldn’t. He couldn’t let himself be that bad.

He would just have a few bites. It wouldn’t hurt. 

Lorenz instantly regretted his decision the moment he tasted the Caledonian Gar. He regretted slipping up even more when he moved on to the Albinean Herring. It was always his favorite. 

His plate was cleared and shame spread through his chest before dropping down into the pit of his stomach. 

He had to fix this. He had lost control.

Bussing his plate as fast as he could, Lorenz lurched out of the Hall toward the Greenhouse. He doubled over the bushes and retched, bringing back up the whole meal. He was wiping his mouth on his sleeve when he heard a soft, low voice.

“Lorenz? Are you ok?” Raphael, of course.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Lorenz answered, “I just had a bit of an upset stomach. If you’ll excuse me…”

“C’mon, we both know that’s not the truth.”

“Beg pardon?” Lorenz was affronted.

“Ok, well if you’re really sick, I’ll take you to the infirmary.” Before Lorenz could dodge, Raphael had scooped him up and turned around to carry him up the steps. “You barely weigh anything!”

“Unhand me this moment!” Lorenz complained, “Put me down.”

“Well, we can talk about this, or we can go to the infirmary and talk to Manuela about it.” Raphael had stopped. There were still in the dormitory courtyard area. 

“Alright, we can talk, but let’s go someplace more private.”

“My room is right here,” Raphael said, and carried him inside. He carefully deposited Lorenz onto his bed. He straightened out his hair and sat up while Raphael closed the doors and turned back around. “Lorenz, you gotta start eating. You’re hurting yourself.”

“It’s nobody’s business but my own what I do. Even if I were hurting myself, I’m not hurting anyone but myself.”

“But food is fuel. You need to eat to fuel up your body.” Raphael sat astride his desk chair, resting his massive arms on the backrest. 

“Maybe that’s true for you, but everyone is different.” Lorenz drew himself up to his full seated height. “Maybe I don’t need as much fuel as you.”

“When you do magic, you need to draw on your energy for that, right? So you need to replenish that energy, with fuel. And anyways, if you aren’t at your best, someone could get hurt on the battlefield.” Raphael knew he had triumphed. “So it’s not just your own business. We need you Lorenz. How else are we going to defeat the Empire if we don’t work together as a team?”

Lorenz sat in sullen silence for several long moments. “Well, when you put it that way, I guess I should take that into account when planning my routine.”

“But it’s not only that. I care about you, Lorenz. You’re my friend. And friends don’t let friends hurt themselves.” He got up and sat next to Lorenz on the bed. “I don’t know how the idea got into your head that you need to stop eating, but you’ve always been skinny! Now you look like you’re about to disappear!”

Lorenz couldn’t help the small voice in his head that started congratulating him, telling him he’d succeeded. Telling him he could just disappear, if he fought hard enough. 

“We’re all here for you. You don’t need to feel like you’re all alone. You can lean on us,” Raphael smiled. 

A tear slipped from Lorenz’ eye. He ignored that voice in his head telling him it wasn’t true, that he needed to keep it all together himself. 

“Thank you, Raphael.” 

“Now, let’s go get you something to eat.” Raphael saw the queasy look that must have materialized on Lorenz’ face and quickly added, “Just something small and simple.”

“O- ok,” Lorenz said. He could try that. Things weren’t going to get easier overnight, but he would try to let it go.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter @sweetbun_trio


End file.
